Ruining It for Everyone in the 21st Century

Inspired by an SNL skit from when that show was funny, this poast was conceived as a Twitter thread but I ain't gonna work on Parag's farm no more.

1/Guy who wizzes on the toilet seat at Starbucks and now the restroom is for customers only

2/Guy who tries to light his sneakers on fire on the plane and 20 years later we still have to take our shoes off at airport security

3/Guy who squanders his gravitas selling Congress some bullshit story about uranium and now America is known around the world for crying wolf, waterboarding, and pornographic prison pig-piles

4/Guy who steals toothpaste and deodorant at CVS and now everything in the store is locked up behind glass

5/Guy who uses ransomware to extort BTC from grandmas and now you and I have to give Coinbase a notarized stool sample any time we want to withdraw $10 worth of ETH

6/Guy who builds an algo stablecoin even tho he knows it won’t work ‘cos he tried it before and now crypto is down bad and about to be regulated good and hard

7/Guy who claims he can pay double-digit interest while being safer than a bank, rehypothecates collateral, makes unsecured loans, says he doesn’t, plows depositor funds into risky DeFi pools, goes bankrupt and now crypto is down bad and about to be regulated good and hard

8/Guy whose idea of journalism is ruining obscure, harmless individuals’ lives because they posted “problematic” tweets 10 years prior or made inconsequential gaffes at parties and now no one trusts reporters and milady anons I follow because I like their poasts think I’m a cop because I have a bluecheck

9/Guy who impersonates me on Twitter and Telegram to shill crypto scams so I HAD to get a bluecheck not for the stupid flex but so people wouldn’t keep getting ripped off

10A/Guy who sends US taxpayer money to a poorly secured lab on the other side of the world where they make frankenviruses and now I have to wear this ridiculous mask on the train every day and you couldn’t attend your dad’s funeral.

OR....

10B/Guy who sells live wild animals next to poultry and seafood and now I have to wear this ridiculous mask on the train every day and you couldn't attend your dad's funeral.

(Take your pick.)

11A/Guy who smears anyone who talks about #10A as rIgHt WiNg cOnSpIrAcY tHeOrY even though an accident is, like, the opposite of a conspiracy and now no one trusts public health authorities OR journalists

11B/Guy who smears anyone who talks about #10B as rAcIsT and now no one trusts public health authorities OR journalists

12/THEY’RE ALL THE SAME GUY