Photo by John Haslam (Creative Commons 2.0)
I.
There was a halal butcher who purchased his meat from a wholesaler named Richard. One day Richard shipped a crate of pigs’ feet to the shop.
The butcher phoned Richard and demanded he take back the shipment and give him a full refund. Richard refused. The butcher yelled they would no longer do business together, then hung up.
The butcher's beloved wife, who overheard the call, asked him, "What was that all about, dear?"
He replied: "Dick's out for haram, bae."
II.
A rabbi walks into a British pub. He meets his friends, a gentile couple, and offers to buy them a round.
The husband says he’d fancy half beer, half lemonade in the same glass. The wife says she’ll just sip from his drink.
“Just to confirm,” the rabbi says, “one part beer, one part lemonade, one glass for the two of you?” They nod.
The rabbi tells the bartender: “A shandy for the goyim.”
I made both of those up. This last one is a moldy oldie I’ve updated for modern times…
III.
Convicted fraudster Sam Bankman-Fried is weeping on the bus to prison. A recidivist with a face tattoo sits next to him.
“Hey kid, don’t worry, you’re gonna have a blast in prison,” he tells Sam.
“Really?” Sam asks, wiping a tear from his eye.
“Sure. I mean, Mondays … Do you like sports?”
“Of course I like sports,” Sam says. “At FTX, we spent millions on a Super Bowl ad, we bought the naming rights to the stadium where the Miami Heat play, and we had a marketing partnership with Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback of all time.”
“Then you’ll enjoy Mondays in prison,” says the hardened gang member. “All the top athletes – LeBron James, Steph Curry – come to give talks and lead the inmates in exercises. Now, Tuesdays. Do you like effective altruism?”
“Oh yes,” Sam replies. “That was my guiding philosophy with my companies, FTX and Alameda. I was determined to make as much money as I could so I could give it all away to the most impactful causes.”
“Then you’ll really like Tuesdays in prison,” says the serial carjacker. “All the major figures in EA and the broader rationalist community – Nick Bostrom, Eliezer Yudkowsky, Peter Singer – come to give seminars for the inmates. I've heard they’re even going to record a special episode of The 80,000 Hours Podcast in the exercise yard! OK, Wednesdays … Do you like drugs?”
Sam says: “Yes, I use stimulants such as Adderall.”
“You are gonna love Wednesdays in prison, kid,” says his barrel-chested, seven-foot-tall neighbor. “We get free samples of the latest nootropics. Hallucinogens. Psychedelics, you name it. The guards keep careful watch to make sure no one gets hurt. And Thursdays … wait, are you gay?”
“No, I’m not gay,” Sam says.
“You’re not gonna like Thursdays.”
Lastly, here’s a recap of the serious pieces I wrote (outside my day job) this year:
I waxed nostalgic about the landline phone for RETURN. It’s paywalled, but the nice people at Interintellect picked up my piece so you can read it for free there.
I wrote about how the “good old days” of journalism weren’t always good, and tomorrow ain’t as bad as it seems, for the Mars Review of Books. This one’s also paywalled, but you should subscribe, not just for my piece but to read bangers by Sam Venis, Ruby Sutton, Pablo Peniche, Alex Perez, Magdalene Taylor, Liam Fitzgerald, Charles Rosenbauer and others.
I reflected on the media’s transition from print to digital for Default Friend’s excellent Substack, to which you should also subscribe.
Writing about topics other than magic internet money has been good for my soul. I plan to do more, on my Substack and elsewhere, in 2024. Who knows, maybe I’ll start poasting here on a regular basis. Until then, thanks for subscribing, and Happy New Year!